Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
