Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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