I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
