What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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