i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
