i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
