This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i think i have two assholes
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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