Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she peed on how many people?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
