You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
