I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
