I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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