Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
