On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
