You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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