Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
