Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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