he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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