you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
