I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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