Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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