So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
