He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
