What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
