Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
