i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
PANTIES FOUND
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
