i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
