like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
