Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
