Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
