Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
