He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
