Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
