im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
