my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
