Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
