So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
