Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
