So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
