just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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