So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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