you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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