i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
