I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
