Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
