Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm like, not good at living.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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