May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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