nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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