I cannot find my penis.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
