I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just want to make out with him forever
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
