Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
third nipple confirmed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
