tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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