the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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